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Dicky. I seize you in the king's name, sir.
Tom Oh, lord ! should this prove some parliamentman now!
Clinch. jun. Speak, you rogue, what are you?
Dicky. No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him of his clothes.
Clinch. jun. Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini ! Oh, my poor jubilee brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give you half-a-crown.
Tom. Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a carrier's horse once.
Clinch. jun. Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you killed him, and we'll let you go.
Tom. Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no harm: besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it again.-Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kiss him.
Clinch. jun. Here's your money, sir. you
killed him dead ? Tom. Sír, I'll swear it before any judge in England. Dicky. But are you sure that lie's dead in law?
Tom. Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be dead in law ; but lie's as dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a hammer. Dicky. Then
have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on the head is dead in law.
Clinch. jun. But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed ?
Tom. I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary afterwards.
Clinch.jun. Hey! Then I go to the jubilee.--Strip, sir, strip. By Jupiter Ammon, strip. Dicky. Ah! don't swear, sir.
(Puts on his Brother's Clothes. Clinch. jun. Swear, sir ! Zoons, ha’n’t I got the estate, sir? Come, sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.
Tom. I hope you'll let me go now, sir.
Clinch. jun. Yes, yes, sir ; but you must do the favour to swear positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may enter upon the estate without
any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes. Hey, call me a coach somebody.
Tom. Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.
Clinch. jun. No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica. (Exeunt Dicky and Tom.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court, and swear, and rant, and rake, and go to the jubilee with the best of them.
LADY LUREWELL'S House.
Enter LADY LUREWELL and PARLY. I
Lur. Are you sure that Vizard had my
letter? Parly. Yes, yes, madam ; one of your ladyship's footmen
gave it to him in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he would be punctual to a minute.
Lady L. Thus, most villains, some time or other, are punctual to their ruin: Are all things prepared for his reception ?
Parly. Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman too is just come, dressed and cooked up
Lady L. Then he has got woman's clothes on?
Parly. Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family for your nurse.
Lady L. Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell him, I'll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the intent to rob the house, and pump
him heartily. [As PARLY goes to put out the Candles, some
body knocks.--Music plays without. Lady L. This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
Parly. Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.
Sir H. [Without.] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs Parly. Play, gentlemen.
[Music plays again. Enter SiR HARRY. Lady L. 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry. Sir H. Whicresoever love is, there music is proper.
Lady L. But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you here at this hour? Sir H. No tempest, madam, but love, madam.
(WILDAir taking her by the Hand. Lady L. As pure and white as angels' soft desires. Sir 7. Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.
Lady L. (Aside.] If this be a love token, (WildAIR drops a ring, she takes it up.) your mistress's favours hang very loose about you,
sir. Sir H. I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble of taking it up, by any thing, but desiring you to wear it.
Lady L. You gentlemen have the cunningest ways of playing the fool, and are so industrious in your profuseness. Speak seriously, am I beholden to chance or design for this ring?
free with you.
Sir H. To design, upon my honour. And I hope my design will succeed.
[Aside. Lady L. Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry? Sir H. With all my heart, madam, so I may be
Lady L. Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour to see you some other time; for at this very minute I have two lovers in the house. Sir H. Then to be as plain, I must be gone
this minute, for I must see another mistress within these two hours.
Lady L. Frank and free.
with - Madam, your most humble servant.
[Exit. Lady L. Nothing can disturb his humour. Now for my merchant and Vizard.
[Exit, and takes the Candles with her. Enter Party, leading in SMUGGLER, dressed in
Woman's Clothes. Parly. This way, Mr Alderman.
Smug. Well, Mrs Parly, I'm obliged to you for this trouble : here are a couple of shillings for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed; but next time I'll stcal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring them to you—What are you fumbling about my pockets for
Parly. Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, sir, get into this closet, and my lady will wait on you presently.
[Puts him into the Closet, runs out, and returns
with VIZARD. Vizard. Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear auspicious little pilot?
Parly. You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the closet, and will come out to you immediately,
Vizard. Let me thank thee as I ought. (Kisses her. Parly. Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of shillings, or a couple of kisses ? [Exit PARLY.
· Vizard. Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps; and night, that shadows outward sense, lights up our inward joy.
Smug. My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed with an evil spirit.
Vizard. Hå! I hear a voice. Madam--my life, my happiness, where are you, madam?
Smug. Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll try him.-.Where have you left your sanctity, Mr Vizard ?
Vizard. Talk no more of that ungrateful subjectI left it where it has only business, with day-light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the dark.
Smug. Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation has some other motive besides pleasure ?
Vizard. Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the world -interest- -You must know, madam, that I have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler ; you have seen him, I suppose
? Smug. Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance with him.
Vizard. 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old rogue,
that ever died of the gout. Smug. Ah, the young son of a whore! [Aside.] Well, sir, and what of him?
Vizard. Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, which I design to purchase as a saint, and spend like a gentleman. He got it by cheating, and should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety, I'll cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement and deed of conveyance
Smug. It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows then, ye young dog.
[Aside. Vizard. And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over his grave with a coach and six, to inform his covetous ghost how genteelly I spend his money.