CHAPTER II.

THUS I continued still in vanity and folly, with intervals of deep distress and mourning, a short space longer, that is, till the winter of the year 1770, when, being about nineteen years old, I became more fully and clearly convinced, and that very much by the immediate operations, illuminations, and openings of divine light in my own mind, that this inward something, which had been thus long and powerfully striving with me, disturbing my every false rest, confuting every false and sin-flattering imagination of flesh and blood, or of the grand adversary, and enjoining it upon me to give up all, and walk in the ways of virtue and true self-denial, was the true and living spirit and power of the eternal God, the very same that strove with the old world; influenced the patriarchs, prophets, and apostles; and visits, strives with, and at seasons more or less influences, the hearts of all mankind. I now saw this the only principle of all true conversion and salvation; that so long as this was resisted and rejected, separation must infallibly remain between God and the soul, but that, whenever this is received, and in all things thoroughly submitted to, a thorough reconciliation takes place.

Some may think this doctrine robs Christ of the honour of our redemption and reconciliation, but I apprehend none can think so who understand the doctrine of salvation by Jesus. It was through the eternal spirit, this very spirit that visits and strives with all, that Christ offered up that prepared body. It is through, and only through, the influence of the same holy spirit, that any soul was ever converted to God, or savingly benefited by the redemption that is in Jesus. Whatever way, O soul, or by whatever means thou art benefited in a spiritual sense, it is by this holy spirit, that is the immediate operative power and principle within thee.

The death of Christ is nothing at all to thee, savingly, furVOL. 1.-7

ther than thou hast the living, saving efficacy of it scaled to thee. Nothing can possibly do this, without touching and changing thy heart. If thou dost not feel it, it is nothing. Thou may imagine and dream a thousand things about faith, regeneration, and imputation; but unless the holy spirit change thee, and give thee to feel and know salvation, in and for thy own soul, thou would be just as much benefited, by imagining that Joseph of Arimathea, or any other person, had purchased thy salvation, and that, by imputation of what he had done, God would, at some future time, save thee. For every thing that is not felt, is as totally unavailing to thee, as the most ungrounded imagination: and until thou sensibly feelest some real benefit, thou hast received no more, substantially and savingly, than thou mightest receive by a strong imagination, persuasion, and hope, from any other quarter.

While the doctrine of salvation by Christ, is only ideal with thee, it is nothing as yet experimentally in thy possession. And ideal it is, must, and ever will be, till thou feelest it. And feel it savingly, thou never canst, but in and by the holy spirit, the very life of the whole mystery.

Christ says in so many words, "It is the spirit that quickeneth, the flesh profiteth nothing." Thou mayst think Christ can do something for thee, without the spirit. If thou dost think so, thou hast not yet learned the A, B, C, of religion. Neither Christ, nor any thing else can, in the least degree, regenerate thy soul, but through the holy spirit. Blessings, curses, judg ments, sickness, pain, famine, preaching, reading, and all providences, so far as they profitably affect thy mind, are set home by the spirit of God, and could otherwise no more operate to a real change in thee, than infection could be conveyed to thy body, communicate the small-pox, or any other disorder, and thereby terminate thy life, and yet never touch thee.

"God is a spirit." Is thy heart changed? Then God changed it. And what is the change? If saving, it is thy soul joined to thy God for there never was, nor can be, any other salvation of the soul. Thou art born again, as truly so as ever thou wast born of a woman. It is a real birth, arising from a real union of the seed of God, and man, spiritually. Thou art ab

solutely born of "the incorruptible seed and word of God." This joins thee to the Lord. "He that is joined to the Lord is one spirit." Thou art become a son of the living God, by real, and not by mere metaphorical, regeneration. This makes thee a true heir of all things; of all that is God's ;-an "heir of God, and joint-heir with Christ." Christ is the begotten of the Father,, so art thou, if truly regenerated; if not, all thy talk of faith avails thee nothing. But, if begotten, and born of God, thou art as certainly a joint-heir, as thou art a true believer.

Religion, or regeneration, is a reality; and all the substantial reality of it, centres in one word, "Emmanuel," that is, "God with man." And until something of this union is livingly known, there is nothing known of true religion. The world, under various forms of profession, is amused with dreams, systems, and imaginations, whilst the "one thing needful," is too little experienced. The one thing needful is real union with God, an actual joining to him, in the one spirit. Without this union, let a man know what he will; believe, possess, and enjoy whatever he may or can, he is but an alien, and a wanderer on the earth. Nothing else can ever satisfy his soul, or abidingly stay his mind. There is no other possible permanent rest for the sole of his foot. He may drive, toil, and bustle about, and many may think him in a state of enjoyment; but it is all a delusion. In the midst of all earth's caresses, if he presumes to declare himself happy, he does violence to truth and his own feelings, and the truly "wise are privy to the lie." If he professes religion, goes to meeting, practises the exteriors of devotion, and talks much about faith and godliness, it may, for a moment, quiet his mind, and deceive his own soul and others; but long he cannot rest composed, without living union with God. He may turn to the right and left, look this way and that, seek enjoyment in society, in sensual gratifications, in wealth, honour, and worldly advancement; or he may read, pray, meditate, sing, write, and dip deeply into creaturely devotion: but without this vital union, he is lost, unanchored, "miserable, poor, blind, and naked." And this is mournfully the case, at this day, in the divers outward communions, with many, who are striving hard to make them

selves believe, that they are, notwithstanding, "rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing."

Having thus at length become livingly convinced that it was nothing short of the eternal power and spirit of God that so forcibly wrought in me, in order for my deliverance from the power of darkness and seduction, I was enabled to give up to the holy requirings of God, as thereby inwardly made known to me-and clearly known were many things thus made. Nothing else could ever so have opened my mind, and made known my duty to me. The scriptures, other good books, gospel ministry, religious conversation, contemplation upon the works of creation and providence-all these are very good means of information; but none of them, nor even all of them, without the holy spirit's sealing operation and evidence upon the mind, can ever make a man sure of his duty to God in any one thing. He may reason, and set up many rules, measures, and standards of duty and morality; but certainty he never will arrive at, without the help of that which in itself is certain. It may be said the scriptures are certain. Very well, but what certifies thee that they are certain, or that thou knowest their meaning? Do not the professed masters in reasoning widely differ upon many passages in the sacred writings? and do they not all say they have reason on their side? But believe them not: nor believe that any thing is or can be certainly known to man, as a law binding upon him, without the light and evidence of the holy spirit.

But to proceed :-I gave up very fully and from the heart, to serve the Lord in the way of his leadings; I forsook rude and vicious company, withdrew into retirement, attended the meetings of Friends, and often sought the Lord, and waited upon him in solemn, reverential silence alone, for his counsel, direction, and preservation; and he was graciously pleased to point out and cast up the way for me, one thing after another, with sufficiency of clearness. First, he showed me negatively, what I ought not to do in various particulars, breaking me off from my vicious practices and associations. This was forsaking evil. And then he taught and enjoined me the practice of several things positively wherein he engaged me to choose and cleave

unto that which is good. I saw clearly it was his will, and my indispensable duty reverently to assemble with his people for divine worship, and therein to wait upon him, draw inwardly near unto him, and, according to the apostle's language, feel after him, in order to find and enjoy him. I also found it my duty often to wait upon him alone, in awful, silent retirement; not approaching him in supplication, but when he influenced my heart thereto, with the true spirit of prayer and intercession. He also showed me, that religion was an internal life in the soul; that great attention, sincerity, and punctuality were necessary to the growth and prosperity of it: that I must not be content with attending meetings, and sitting in silence, though ever so reverently and properly; I must live continually in an inward watchfulness and dedication of heart; watch all my thoughts, words, and actions, and know all brought to judgment; and allow nothing to pass unexamined, nor willingly unapproved : that I must observe the most upright honesty and sincerity in my dealings among men, as in the presence of God, the witness of all my outward actions and inward volitions. He taught me that men generally rely too much on external performances and appearances. And thus guarding my mind against thinking too much of any thing outward, he opened my understanding to behold my duty, in regard to outward plainness; that a plain, decent, and not costly dress and way of living, in all things, was most agreeable to true christian gravity and self-denial; that rich, showy, or gay dress, house, food, or furniture, fed and fostered pride and ostentation, robbed the poor, pleased the vain, and led into a great deal of unnecessary care, toil, and solicitude, to obtain the means of this way of life and appearance; that it could not afford any true and solid satisfaction, but must unavoidably divert the mind from inward, feeling watchfulness, retard the work of mortification and true self-denial, and facilitate unprofitable association and acquaintance with such as would rather alienate the affections from God, than unite the soul to him.

Thus instructed, I bowed in reverence; and as it became from time to time necessary to procure new clothing, I endeavoured to conform my outward appearance in this respect to the