And then revive you when you please,
Preserv'd like toads in hollow trees.

And since this is a fact, it follows,
That we can winter you with swallows;
Therefore, in autumn would not stick
To merge you in a muddy creek. 37

me a present of a cask of Madeira to try the experiment, I will certainly bury myself therein for a century or two, and I have no doubt but I shall be awakened with as much facility as was Endymion, the famous sleeper of antiquity, who slept seventy years at one nap.

37 To merge you in a muddy creek.

That it is very practicable to pickle swallows in this way no man can doubt for a moment, who has ever read a certain article in the Medical Repository of New-York, which is no other than the testimony of a Mr. Peter Cole, and goes in this sort. "As I was standing at my door, between the hours of five and six in the morning, I observed a very large flock of swallows, flying in an easterly direction. I immediately repaired to the pond, where there was already a vast number collected in the reeds and rushes. They continued coming for nearly the space of half an hour, and vast numbers of them were flying over the water in almost every direction. Some of these birds appeared to run on the surface of the water, with great rapidity, towards the east corner of the pond, and in the twinkling of an eye disappeared under the water, and rose no more."

All this the man says he saw with a "spy glass."

Medical Repository, vol. ii. 178.

But if we cannot well contrive,
To dig your worships out alive,
Will make you into petrifactions,
For our philosophers' transactions. 38

Now, if your worships, with an optical tube, will trace with precision the motions of a swallow on the wing, "between the hours of five and six in the morning" among " reeds and rushes" and of consequence alternations of light and shade, we will pronounce you to possess penetration not inferiour to that of Mr. Peter Cole. If, however, you should be inadequate to this task, we hope you will willingly submit to our above proposed experiment.

38 For our philosophers' transactions.

I crave the honour, in this place, of introducing to your worships a set of the most stupendous philosophers (OURSELF excepted) that ever decorated human nature. Indeed, gentlemen, I recommend them to you as samples of that perfectibility of man, which philosophers have long since promised, and which we in America are beginning to realize. These are the president and members of the TRUE

AMERICAN PHILOSOPHICAL SOCIETY,

- famâ super æthera noti," Anglice, pretty well known in Philadelphia,

men, who have in many sublime instances, fallen but little below us in discovery-making and manufacturing useful inventions.

Wheresoever these philosophers have beaten the bushes they have been sure to start and hunt down all the game ; and not a cranny in and about Dame Nature have these gentlemen left unexplored; all which is very evident from a glance at their doings, called "Transactions," &c.

We've shown a mode, in Latin thesis,
To pick man's frail machine to pieces,

Now having a most ardent and laudable ambition to twist ourself into the good graces of these great geniuses, we have been casting about for ways and means of making them a present, which may not disgrace our pretensions. We have sometimes had it in view to manufacture a complete set of Mammoth bones, and likewise to fabricate a Megalonyx's claw or two; and making a pompous parade with our donations, to rival parson Leland with his mammoth cheese. But when we came to peruse the fourth volume of the doings of these gentlemen, we found about twenty pages, filled with the names of the donors of certain curiosities, together with their invaluable presents. Such for instance as " a ball of hair, found in the stomach of a mule;" " a stone found in the stomach of a cow;" " some petrifactions of wood from Martinique ;" " a pair of Indian boy's leggings;" " a specimen of petrified supposed buffaloe dung;" " skin of an Indian taken from the side;" &c. &c. The perusal of these most instructive and amusing articles furnished us with a key to the character of this learned society, of which we shall so far take advantage as to introduce ourself into the penetralia of their warmest affections. Instead of Indian hides and petrified buffaloes' dung, we propose to make them a most magnificent present, which will figure in their next volume of doings in this wise:

DONOR.

The right worshipful Christopher Caustick, L.L.D. ASS. &c. &c. &c.

PRESENT.

A Royal College of
Petrified Physicians.

Now, I would venture your worships a trifle (to be paid to your executors in case my experiment succeeds) that on the receipt of my prodigious present, I shall be elected

And how the same again to botch,
Just as an artist does a watch! 39

Patron and President of the "TRUE American Philosophi. cal Society."

39 Just as an artist does a watch!

I do not arrogate to myself the whole merit of this noble invention. Dr. Price and Mr. Godwin, in divers elaborate works, especially the latter, in his Political Justice, suggested some ideas which set my ingenuity in such a ferment, that I could not rest quietly till I had brewed a sublime treatise on the best mode of pulling down, repairing and rebuilding, decayed and worn out animal machines.

I shall not attempt, in this place, to oblige your worships with any thing like a table of the contents of this judicious and profound performance. I will, however, gratify your curiosity so far as to glance cursorily at a few of the leading topicks therein discussed and illustrated, and slightly mention some of the immense advantages which will be the result of this discovery.

In the first place, I make it apparent, by a long series of experiments and scientifick deductions, drawn therefrom, that it is very practicable to enlighten the mind of a stupid fellow, by battering, boring, or pulling his body to pieces. Mr. poet Waller's authority is here to my purpose, who tells us, that

"The soul's dark cottage batter'd and decay'd, "Lets in new light through chinks which time has made."

Mr. Gray, likewise, in his Hymn to Adversity, requests that " Daughter of Jove" to impose gently her iron hand," and trouble him a little with her "torturing hour," although he appears disposed to avoid, if possible, her more dismal accompaniments, such as her Gorgonick frown," and the "funereal cry of horrour."

Thus brother Ovid said or sung once,

The Gods of old folks could make young ones 4o

The Spaniards, under Cortes and Pizarro, managed much in the same way, and enlightened the natives of the mighty empires of Peru and Mexico in the great truths of Christianity, by killing a part, reducing the remainder to a state of servitude, and battering their souls' cottages at their leisure. This process is in part expressed in a poctical epistle, which I received not long since from my correspondent settled at Terra del Fuego, in South America, who thus expresses the conduct of some of his acquaintance, in converting the aborigines to Christianity.,

Good folks to America came

To curtail old Satan's dominions;
The natives, the more to their shame,
Stuck fast to their ancient opinions.

Till a method the pious men find,
Which ne'er had occur'd to your dull wits,
Of making sky-lights to the mind,
By boring the body with bullets.

Like Waller, with process so droll,

To illume an old clod-pated noddy;
They thought they might burnish the soul,
By beating a hole in the body.

I have read of a great mathematician, who was uncommonly stupid till about the age of twenty, when he accidentally pitched head first into a deep well, fractured his scull, and it became necessary to trepan him. After the operation it was immediately evident that his wit was much improved, and he soon became a prodigy of intellect. Whether this alteration was caused by "new light let in