MRS. FRANCES HARRIS'S PETITION.

(1700.)

O their Excellencies the Lords Justices of Ireland,1

то

The humble petition of Frances Harris,

Who must starve and die a maid if it miscarries,

Humbly sheweth, that I went to warm myself in Lady Betty's 2 chamber, because I was cold;

And I had in a purse seven pounds four shillings and sixpence, besides farthings, in money and gold;

So because I had been buying things for my lady last night,
I was resolved to tell my money, to see if it was right.

Now, you must know, because my trunk has a very bad lock,
Therefore all the money I have, which, God knows, is a very

small stock,

I keep in my pocket, tied about my middle, next my smock.
So when I went to put up my purse, as God would have it, my
smock was unripped,

And instead of putting it into my pocket, down it slipped;
Then the bell rung, and I went down to put my lady to bed,
And, God knows, I thought my money was as safe as my maiden-

head.

So when I came up again, I found my pocket feel very light, But when I searched, and missed my purse, Lord! I thought I should have sunk outright.

1 The Earls of Berkeley and of Galway.-Hawkesworth.

2 Lady Betty Berkeley, afterwards Germain.-H.

"Lord! madam," says Mary, "how d'ye do?"—"Indeed,” says I, "never worse:

But pray, Mary, can you tell what I have done with my purse ?" "Lord help me!" says Mary, "I never stirred out of this place !” "Nay," said I, "I had it in Lady Betty's chamber, that's a plain case."

So Mary got me to bed and covered me up warm,

However, she stole away my garters that I might do myself no harm.

So I tumbled and tossed all night, as you may very well think, But hardly ever set my eyes together or slept a wink.

So I was a dreamed, methought that we went and searched the folks round,

And in a corner of Mrs. Dukes's 1 box, tied in a rag, the money was found.

So next morning we told Whittle,2 and he fell a swearing:

3

Then my dame Wadgar came; and she, you know, is thick of hearing.

"Dame," said I, as loud as I could bawl, "do you know what a loss I have had?"

"Nay," said she, "my Lord Colway's folks are all very sad : For my Lord Dromedary 5 comes a Tuesday without fail."

"Pugh!" said I, "but that's not the business that I ail."

6

Says Cary, says he, "I have been a servant this five-and-twenty years come spring,

And in all the places I lived I never heard of such a thing." "Yes," says the steward, "I remember when I was at my Lady

Shrewsbury's,

Such a thing as this happened, just about the time of gooseberries." So I went to the party suspected, and I found her full of grief: Now, you must know, of all things in the world, I hate a thief;

1 Wife to one of the footmen.—H.

2 Earl of Berkeley's valet.-H.

3 The old deaf housekeeper.-H.

4 Galway.-H.

5 The Earl of Drogheda, who with the Primate was to succeed the two Earls.-H. 6 Clerk of the kitchen.-H.

7 Ferris, of whom see Journal to Stella, December 21, 1710.-N.

However, I was resolved to bring the discourse slily about: "Mrs. Dukes," said I, "here's an ugly accident has happened out,

It is not that I value the money three skips of a louse,1

But the thing I stand upon is the credit of the house.

It is true seven pounds four shillings and sixpence makes a great

hole in my wages,

Besides, as they say, service is no inheritance in these ages.

Now, Mrs. Dukes, you know and everybody understands,

That though it is hard to judge, yet money can't go without hands."

"The devil take me!" said she (blessing herself), "if ever I saw't!"

So she roared like a bedlam, as though I had called her all to

naught.

So you know, what could I say to her any more?

I e'en left her, and came away as wise as I was before.

Well, but then they would have had me gone to the cunning man! "No," said I, "it is the same thing; the chaplain 2 will be here

anon."

So the chaplain came in. heart,

Now the servants say he is my sweet

Because he's always in my chamber and I always take his part. So, as the devil would have it, before I was aware, out I blundered. "Parson," said I, "can you cast a nativity when a body's plundered?"

(Now you must know he hates to be called parson like the divil.) "Truly," says he, "Mrs. Nab, it might become you to be more

civil;

If your money be gone, as a learned divine says, d'ye see,

You are no text for my handling; so take that from me:

I was never taken for a conjuror before, I'd have you to know." "Lord!" said I, "don't be angry, I am sure I never thought

you so ;

1 A usual saying of hers.-H.

2 Dr. Swift.-H.

You know I honour the cloth; I design to be a parson's wife;
I never took one in your coat for a conjuror in all my life."
With that he twisted his girdle at me like a rope, as who should
say,

"Now you may go hang yourself for me!" and so went away. Well, I thought I should have swooned. "Lord!" said I, "what shall I do?

I have lost my money, and shall lose my true love too!"
Then my lord called me: "Harry," 1 said my lord, "don't cry;
I'll give you something toward thy loss." "And," says my lady,
"so will I."

Oh! but, said I, what if, after all, the chaplain won't come to?
For that, he said (an't please your Excellencies), I must petition

you.

The premises tenderly considered, I desire your Excellencies' protection,

And that I may have a share in next Sunday's collection;
And over and above, that I may have your Excellencies' letter,
With an order for the chaplain aforesaid, or instead of him a
better:

And then your poor petitioner, both night and day,

Or the chaplain (for 'tis his trade), as in duty bound shall ever pray.

1 A cant word of Lord and Lady Berkeley to Mrs. Harris.—H.

A TRITICAL ESSAY

UPON THE

FACULTIES OF THE MIND,

Το

SIR,-Being so great a lover of antiquities, it was reasonable to suppose you would be very much obliged with anything that was new. I have been of late offended with many writers of essays and moral discourses for running into stale topics and threadbare quotations, and not handling their subject fully and closely -all which errors I have carefully avoided in the following essay, which I have proposed as a pattern for young writers to imitate. The thoughts and observations being entirely new, the quotations untouched by others, the subject of mighty importance, and treated with much order and perspicuity, it has cost me a great deal of time; and I desire you will accept and consider it as thẹ utmost effort of my genius.

THE ESSAY.

PHILOSOPHERS say that man is a microcosm or little world,

resembling in miniature every part of the great; and, in my opinion, the body natural may be compared to the body politic; and if this be so, how can the Epicurean's opinion be true that the universe was formed by a fortuitous concourse of atoms, which I will no more believe than that the accidental