owne, sweare you made it. Mary if you chaunce to get into your haunds any witty thing of another mans that is somewhat better, I would councell you then, if demand be made who composed it, you may say faith a learned gentleman and very worthy friend and this seeming to lay it on another man will be counted either modestie of you, or a signe that you are not ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it upon you for feare of the sharpnesse it carries with it. Besides it will adde much to your fame to let your tongue walke faster than your teeth, though you be never so hungry, and rather than you should sit like a dumb coxcomb, to repeat by heart, either some verses of your owne, or of any other mans, stretching even very good lines upon the rack of censure, though it be against all law, honesty or conscience, it may chaunce to save you the price of your Ordinary, and beget you other supplements. Mary I would further intreat our Poet to be in league with the Mistresse of the Ordinary, because from her (upon condition that he will but ryme knyghts and yong gentlemen to her house and maintaine the table in good fooling) he may easily make up his mouth at her cost gratis. Thus much for particular men, but in generall let all that are in Ordinary-pay march after the sound of these directions. Before the meate come smoaking to the board, our Gallant must draw out his tobacco box, the ladell for the cold snuffe snuffe into the nosthrill, the tongs and priming iron all which artillery may be of gold or silver, (if he can reach to the price of it) it will be a reasonable usefull pawne at all times when the current of his money falles out to run low. And heere you must observe to know in what state tobacco is in towne better then the merchaunts, and to discourse of the potecaries where it is to be sold, and to be able to speake of their wines as readily as the potecary himselfe, reading the barbarous hand of a doctor: then let him shew his severall tricks in taking it. As the Whiffe, Ring, &c. for these are complements that gaine gentlemen no meane respect, and for which indeede they are more worthily noted I ensure you than for any skill they have in learning. When you are set downe to dinner you must eate as impudently as can be (for that's most gentlemanlike) when your knight is upon his stewed mutton, be you presently (though you be but a Capten) in the bosome of your goose: and when your Justice of Peace is knuckle deep in goose, you may, without disparagement to your blood, though you have a Lady to your mother, fall very manfully to your woodcocks. You may rise in dinner time to aske for a close stoole, protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you a hundred pounds a yeare in physicke, besides the annuall pension which your wife allowes her Doctor: and (if you please) you may (as your great French Lord doth) in vite some speciall friend of yours from the table to hold discourse with you as you sit in that withdrawing chamber: from whence being returned againe to the board, you shall sharpen the wits of all the eating gallants about you, and doe them great pleasure to aske what pamphlets or poems a man might thinke fittest to wipe his taile with, (mary this talke will bee somewhat foule if you carry not a strong perfume about you) and in propounding this question, you may abuse the workes of any man, deprave his writings that you cannot equal, and purchase to yourselfe in time the terrible name of a severe Criticke: nay and be one of the Colledge if youle be liberall inough: and when your turne comes pay for their suppers. After dinner, every man, as his business leades him, some to dice, some to drabs, some to playes, some to take up friends in the Court, some to take up money in the Citty, some to lende testers in Powles, others to borrow crownes upon the Exchange: and thus as the people is sayd to bee a beast of many heads (yet all those heads like Hydraes) ever growing as various in their hornes as wondrous in their budding and branching, so in an Ordinary you shall find the variety of a whole kingdome in a few apes of the kingdome. You must not sweare in your dicing, for that argues a violent impatience to depart from y money, and in time will betray a mans neede. Take Take heed of it, for whether you be at Primerd or Hazard you shall sit as patiently (though you loose a whole halfe yeares exhibition) as a disarm'd gentleman does when he is in ye unmerciful fingers of Serjeants. Mary I will allow you to sweat privatly, and teare six or seven score paire of cardes, be the damnation of some dozen or twenty baile of dice, and forsweare play a thousand times in an houre, but not sweare, dice yourselfe into your shirt: and if you have a beard, that y' friend will tend but an angell upon, shave it off, and pawne that rather then goe home blinde to your lodging. Further it is to be remembered, he that is a great gamester, may be trusted for a quarters board at all times, and apparell provided if neede be. At your twelvepenny Ordinary you may give any Justice of Peace, or yong Knight (if hee sit but one degree towards the equinoctiall of the salt seller) leave to pay for the wine, and hee shall not refuse it, though it be a weeke before the receiving of his quarters rent, which is a time albeit of good hope, yet of present necessity. There is another Ordinary, to which your London Usurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Atturney do resort; the price three-pence; the roomes as full of company as a jaile, and indeed divided into severall wardes, like the beds of an hospitall. The complement betweene them is not much, their words few; for the belly hath no eares, every mans eie heere is upon the other mans trencher to note whether his fellow lurch him or no if they chaunce to discourse, it is of nothing but of statutes, bonds, recognizances, fines, recoveries, audits, rents, subsidies, suerties, inclosures, liveries, inditements, outlawries, feoffments, judgements, commissions, bankerouts, amercements, and of such horrible matter, that when a Lifetenant dines with his Punck in the next roome, hee thinks verily the men are conjuring. I can find nothing at this Ordinary worthy the sitting downe for: therefore the cloth shall bee taken away, and those that are thought good enough to be guests heere shall bee too base to bee waiters at your grand Ordinary. At which your gallant tastes these comodities he shal fare wel, enjoy good company, receive all the newes ere the post can deliver his packet, be perfect where the best bawdy houses stand, proclaime his good clothes, knowe this man to drinke well, that to feede grosly, the other to swagger roughly; he shall, if hee bee minded to travell, put out money upon his returne, and have hands enough to receive it, upon any terms of repaiment: and no question, if he be poore, he shall now and then light upon some Gull or other, whom he may shelder (after the gentile fashion) of money. By this time the parings of fruit and cheese are in the voyder, cardes and dice lie stinking in the fire, VOL. II. L the |