invitation which George recommended me to accept, as the situation of Bishop's College and the retirement of a clergyman's family in itself was desirable; in which opinion I concurred, supposing that I reach Calcutta before Charlotte Gough; for however kind Jane was, their house was ever a round of company, and there I could not expect the mode of life most proper and most desirable.

23rd November.—I feel almost miserable, I quite despair of leaving this place, and it is so gloomy and comfortless my heart sinks. Mrs. G. is the whole day in her own room, I scarcely ever see her and there is something strange in her manners and habits. If I go to her room I find the door bolted, which seems like an intimation not to intrude. They had settled to go off on the 28th and ordered boats, then changed their intentions and countermanded them. I long since engaged a country boat to prevent disappointment, which lies at the ghaut. Mrs. Grant goes off on the 1st and in ten days longer the river will be too low for boats. I am absolutely miserable here and suffer so much from the cold and damp; were you but to see me you would really pity me. Mrs. G. never leaves her room, where she sits with the nurses and children, having a good charcoal fire. I generally cover myself up in my fur tippet and shawl in the evening and read, write, or walk about the rooms. Such an evening as I spend every night, you never spent in your life. Mrs. G.'s ayah generally comes for her tea, and I sit alone in a large room at a large table surrounded by servants. Not one in the house speaks English, as George took my kitmutgar to Calcutta, promising to send him back immediately, and he was my only medium of communication with all the others. My ayah was discovered to be a thief, so she was sent off, and if I wished for another here I could not get one. I have suffered such

violent attacks of spasms, at night particularly—I suppose from the cold-I did certainly fancy myself dying, and not a soul within my reach but my old bearer; the sitting-rooms are in the centre of the house, the bedrooms form wings. I occupy one side, Mrs. G. the other, and to add to my distress the lamps do not burn, the cold congeals the oil, and pain, solitude and darkness are my sole companions, not counting the musk rats which come in such numbers when the light goes out; they actually run in troops over me in bed and make me so nervous, I frequently cry half the night.

26th November.-When Mrs. Grant came here this evening I was regularly in bed to keep myself warm; she seemed much amused at finding me so. She urged me much to go to Calcutta at the time she does, which I begin to think is really my best plan. We shall be about fifteen or eighteen days on the river and before that time the Warren Hastings will have arrived to a certainty. It is quite folly to depend my movements on the Gouldsburys, who vacillate every hour. The Dak just arrived brings me three letters from Dinapore and my heart reproached me on seeing my dear, kind Blackwell's hand, for I have so long neglected to write, I did not deserve a letter. But in my last I begged Lady D'Oyly to tell him that I suffered so much lately, I had been unable to write. What an effect on the feelings an affectionate letter sometimes will have. He seems so amazed at George leaving me behind, and enters so warmly into my feelings about being with James. He tells me of his studies and entreats me to rouse myself and direct my mind to any pursuit or acquirement as an occupation for my thoughts. Asks me if the spirit of poetry is gone for ever! and if I will write for him anything, saying 'It will enable you to forget the past, which you must at least try to do.'

What a contrary effect his letter had, bringing to my mind the happiness of the days in which we were first associated, our pleasant evening drives, and all the sympathy and kindness he watched me with during my residence at Patna. It was late before these letters arrived, and his in particular excited my feelings so much that I could not sleep, so I began to write to him, but felt haunted by those two lines of poor Byron

'Oh thou that tell'st me to forget,

Thy looks are wan, thine eyes are wet'

Finding I could not write a letter, I began on another sheet of paper the following lines:

Formerly I could express my feelings better in verse than in prose, now I can hardly write two lines clearly. And this often beguiled many hours of illness and solitude-sleepless nights in particular. It was at all events a very harmless amusement, if the mind was weary of the world, though not a very profitable one-at least, so I have tried to convince myself when half ashamed of the propensity.

K

VI

DECEMBER IST-15TH, 1827

1st December.-On the Maldah River.-I went to sleep on board my bamboo boat last night previous to my voyage, for I can call it nothing less. . . . I had to embark in a country boat so small I could hardly stand upright-indeed, I could not; but go I must, even in this boat, rather than wait. Besides my earnest desire to get to Calcutta, the inducement of Mrs. Grant being on the river at the same time was a great one; to have any recourse in case of sickness or accident, I regarded as a most fortunate circumstance, being still dreadfully at a loss for the man George took with him to Calcutta.

I think I never before felt so low and heartsick as last night when I took possession of my floating habitation, for the first time in my life utterly alone, without a living soul who could understand one word I spoke. It was not in human nature to repress the sad remembrance and contrast of situation then with the time on which I first embarked on the Ganges, accompanied by Niel and surrounded by every comfort.

The only servant I could bear near me was his old bearer, and, apathetic as they usually are, this poor creature seemed so careful about me, it almost appeared he understood what was passing in my mind. He had been at work all the

evening removing my things and arranging them the best way he could imagine. To give you an idea of such a boat, can you fancy one divided in the centre, the stern-part roofed and covered with matting, exactly like a little hut in a boat? Some of the servants sleep on the top, others on the deck with the dandies, but my old man had separated by mats a little spot at the door (which door is a mat) of my apartment to sleep on, that he might be near me, and there he sat beside my bed, with his knees up to his mouth, his arms embracing them. It was severely cold, a frosty wind. He had spread on my sheets an old Indian shawl to keep me warm; he had a kettle of water boiling on deck, and immediately brought a bottle of hot water to place at my feet. A box of river stores which had accompanied me from Dinapore, of wine, brandy, etc., of which I had thought no more, he had laid by at Maldah, and I silently watched him searching until he laid hold of a little bottle of port wine, which he carried off, and presently returned with my little silver jug with some warmed wine and water made very nice with ginger and nutmeg, as he used to see Niel prepare it for me at night on the river. He then folded my things which I had left on the floor in recklessness, and pointing to his lair near me, with many salaams departed to it, where I soon heard him enjoying his hookah.

All this poor creature's attentions rendered my spirits more low. Though I repeatedly said, 'I will not think, I must not think!' my tears fell faster and faster, until I laid my head on the table and sobbed and wept myself into a state of exhaustion. At last, seeing it was near one o'clock, I rose up and lifted the mat at the side which served the purpose and place of a window-blind, and felt, as I ever do, the bright, untroubled face of nature calm my feelings.