He answer'd, that a dog of late
Inform'd a minister of state.
Said I, from thence I nothing know;
For are not all informers so?
A villain who his friend betrays,
We style him by no other phrase;
And so a perjur'd dog denotes
Porter, and Pendergast, and Oates,
And forty others I could name.
WHIG. But you must know this dog was lame.
TORY. A weighty argument indeed!
Your evidence was lame :-proceed:
Come, help your lame dog o'er the stile.
WHIG. Sir, you mistake me all this while :
I mean a dog (without a joke)
Can howl, and bark, but never spoke.
TORY. F'm still to seek, which dog you mean; Whether cur Plunkett, or whelp Skean,*
An English or an Irish hound;
Or t'other puppy, that was drown'd;
Or Mason, that abandon'd bitch :
Then pray be free, and tell me which:
For every stander-by was marking,
That all the noise they made was barking.
You pay them well, the dogs have got
Their dogs-head in a porridge-pot:
And 'twas but just; for wise men say,
That every dog must have his day.
Dog Walpole laid a quart of nog on't,
He'd either make a hog or dog on't;
* John Kelly and Skin, or Skinner, were persons engaged in the plot. Neynoe, whose declaration was taken before the lords of council, and used in evidence against the bishop, is the "t'other puppy who was drowned," which fate he encountered, in attempting to escape from the messengers.
And look'd, since he has got his wish
As if he had thrown down a dish..
Yet this I dare foretel you from it,
He'll soon return to his own vomit.
WHIG. Besides, this horrid plot was found
By Neynoe, after he was drown'd.
TORY. Why then the proverb is not right,
Since you can teach dead dogs to bite."!
WHIG. I prov'd my proposition full:
But jacobites are strangely dull.
Now, let me tell you plainly, sir,
Our witness is a real cur,
A dog of spirit for his years,
Has twice two legs, two hanging ears;
His name is Harlequin, I wot,
And that's a name in every plot:
Resolv'd to save the British nation,
Though French by birth and education;
His correspondence plainly dated,
Was all decipher'd and translated:
His answers were exceeding pretty,
Before the secret wise committee;
Confest as plain as he could bark :
Then with his fore-foot set his mark.
TORY. Then all this while have I been bubbled,
I thought it was a dog in doublet :
The matter now no longer sticks:
For statesmen never want dog-tricks.
But since it was a real cur,
And not a dog in metaphor,
I give you joy of the report,
That he's to have a place at court.
WHIG. Yes, and a place he will grow rich in;
A turnspit in the royal kitchen.
Sir, to be plain, I tell you what,
We had occasion for a plot;
And when we found the dog begin it,
We guess'd the bishop's foot was in it.
TORY. I own it was a dangerous project
And you have prov'd it by dog-logic.
Sure such intelligence between
A dog and bishop ne'er was seen,
Till you began to change the breed;
Your bishops are all dogs indeed!
A QUIBBLING ELEGY ON JUDGE BOAT. 1723.
To mournful ditties, Clio, change thy note,
Since cruel fate has sunk our justice Boat,
Why should he sink, where nothing seem'd to press,
His lading-little, and his ballast less?!
Tost in the waves of this tempestuous world,
At length, his anchor fix'd and canvas furl'd,
To Lazy-hill* retiring from his court,
At his Ring's end † he founders in the port.
With water fill'd, he could no longer float,
The common death of many a stronger boat.
A post so fill'd on nature's laws entrenches:
Benches on boats are placed, not boats on benches.
And yet our Boat (how shall I reconcile it?)
Was both a Boat, and in one sense a pilot.
With every wind he sail'd, and well could tack: 1
Had many pendants but abhorr'd a Jack §.
* A street in Dublin, leading to the harbour.-F.
+ A village near the sea.-F.
It was said he died of a dropsy.—F.
§ A cant word for a Jacobite.-F. VOL. X.
He's gone, although his friends began to hope,
That he might yet be lifted by a rope.
Behold the awful bench, on which he sat !
He was as hard and ponderous wood as that:
Yet when his sand was out, we find at last,
That death has overset him with a blast.
Our Boat is now sail'd to the Stygian ferry,
There to supply old Charon's leaky wherry:
Charon in him will ferry souls to Hell;
A trade our Boat* has practis'd here so well:
And Cerberus has ready in his paws
Both pitch and brimstone, to fill up his flaws.
Yet, spite of death and fate, I here maintain
We may place Boat in his old post again.
The way is thus: and well deserves your thanks:
Take the three strongest of his broken planks,
Fix them on high, conspicuous to be seen,
Form'd like the triple tree near Stephen's Greent:
And, when we view it thus with thief at end on't,
We'll cry; look, here's our Boat, and there's the
pendant.
HERE lies judge Boat within a coffin:
Pray, gentlefolks, forbear your scoffing.
A Boat a judge! yes; where's the blunder.
A wooden judge is no such wonder.
And in his robes you must agree,
No boat was better deckt than he.
'Tis needless to describe him fuller;
In short, he was an able sculler ‡.
* In condemning malefactors, as a judge.-F. + Where the Dublin gallows stands.
Query, Whether the author meant scholar, and wilfully mistook?-Dublin Edit.
VERSES OCCASIONED BY WHITSHED'S
MOTTO ON HIS COACH. 1724.
Libertas et natale solum :
Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em.
Could nothing but thy chief reproach
'Serve for a motto on thy coach?
But let me now thy words translate:
Natale solum, my estate;
My dear estate, how well I love it,
My tenants, if you doubt, will prove it,
They swear I am so kind and good,
I hug them, till I squeeze their blood.
Libertas bears a large import:
First, how to swagger in a court;
And, secondly, to shew my fury
Against an uncomplying jury;
And, thirdly, 'tis a new invention,
To favour Wood, and keep my pension;
And, fourthly, 'tis to play an odd trick,
Get the great seal, and turn out Broderick; †
And, fifthly, (you know whom I mean)
To humble that vexatious Dean;
* That noted chief-justice who twice prosecuted the Drapier, and dissolved the grand jury for not finding the bill against him.
+ This motto is repeatedly mentioned in the Drapier's Letters. See Vol. VII. page 245.
Allen Broderick, Lord Viscount Middleton, was then lordchancellor of Ireland. F.
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