heaven, I haven't had a woman in the house these seven years; so all's snug.- "A forester slept beneath the beech, Heigh! norum snorum! His full flask lay within his arm's reach ; Heigh! horum jorum! A maiden came by with a blooming face, She ask'd him the way to Berrywell Chase, With its wine so old, And its pasties cold; Forester, what has froze ye? "A long song is out of place over good liquor; so I'll not sing the other eighteen verses of that one; its moral is, that a woman can't keep a secret, even when the possession of what she desires depends on it; but that her babbling often proves her salvation. A friar comes in sight, while the forester is wooing, and he packs the maid off, for appearance' sake;-telling her, if she'll meet him there the next day, provided she don't reveal his promise to mortal, that he'll give her 'a gown of the richest green,' besprinkled with dewy pearls, or pearly dew, I forget which: but the maiden was so delighted, that when she got to the Chase, she told the warden's niece, and the warden's niece told the maiden's aunt, and the maiden's aunt locked her up for a week: so she saved her reputation, but lost her present, by babbling.-Gentlemen, you don't drink!" We must here leave the cousins to the care of Creese-they could not have fallen into better hands for the mood in which they met—and remind our readers, that the horses, after extricating themselves from the pond, proceeded homeward as well as the injuries they had received would permit. Their arrival at the village, spread consternation among its inhabitants: parties went forth, in different directions, to seek Ralph and Harry;—the women predicting that they had met and killed each other, and the men endeavouring to stifle their own apprehensions on the subject. Creese, on being asked if he knew any thing of the matter, replied, that "he had seen the horses, without riders, gallop by his door, down the lanes;" and as no one had witnessed the meeting of the cousins but himself, and they were kept close in the back parlour, no information could be obtained from any one else. Lights were burnt, in almost every house in the village, nearly all night; and toward day-break the last party returned without any tidings of the lost sheep. Old Dame Deborah, confiding in the predictions of Matty Drew, said, as well as she could, "Bad is this—there's worse to come;—it will prove to be but a “ Merry meeting—sorry parting.” We must now return to the cousins. On the morning after their concussion in front of Sawney's Cross, Ralph, with whom we shall begin, awoke at day break, and on taking a hasty survey of his apartment, found, to his surprise, that he was not at home. He recollected very well that he had usually worn, for many years past, corduroy small-clothes; and, when he joined the volunteer yeomanry, white doe-skin pantaloons. "Whose black nether garments can those be, then," thought he, "which I see dangling from yonder peg?”—He leaped out of bed, threw open the lattice, and the first object that attracted his notice was the horse-pond; on the miry edge of which, he remembered having been thrown the day before. This accounted for the colour of his doe-skins. "But, how the dickens," thought he, "got I this tremendous black eye? Where's my front tooth? And who the deuce has been bruising my ear?—I recollect, well enough, seeing Creese, the landlord, bring in a third brewing of Hopping John, and my singing, 'Creeping Jenny,' or part of it, afterwards:—but what's come of Harry?” While these and similar reflections were passing in Ralph's mind, he proceeded to dress himself, which he found a task of considerable difficulty, for he was stiff and sore in every limb. Impatient to resolve the mystery in which he found himself involved, Ralph, before he was completely attired in his soiled uniform, hobbled down stairs, and found Harry, staring at the landlord, as though Creese had just been telling him some very marvellous story. Why, Ralph,-cousin Ralph," said Harry, as Ralph entered the kitchen, "what be this the landlord says?-He vows and protests 'twere you that ha' been tearing my clothes to tatters and rags, and beating my face to a jelly!—I ha'n't a sound inch in my skin!" "Before I do answer any questions, it be my wish to know of you, landlord," said Ralph, in an angry tone, and taking Creese by the collar; "and what's more, I insist you do tell me, who took the advantage of me last night—-who it were that knocked my tooth out, when I were overcome?" "I've lost a tooth myself,-be dashed if I ha'n't!" exclaimed Harry, whose attention was so distracted by his other injuries, that he had not discovered the important fact before this moment; "I'll swear I had it in my mouth last night," pursued he, grasp ing Creese, with his huge paw, by the collar; "and I'll be told, why and wherefore you've let me be used like a dog, when I were drunk:-answer!" "Ay, answer, or I'll shake thy life out!" cried Ralph, looking as if he really meant to "suit the action to the word." "Gentlemen,-guests," said Creese, apparently not in the least alarmed, but putting himself in a strong attitude, and calmly collaring the cousins; "be mild, and you shall hear all; or one at a time, and I'm for the first fair fall, who shall pay last night's smart, with the best, or both of you,- -one down t'other come on: but if you'll put your hands in your pockets and be peaceable, I'll employ mine to produce your teeth;—that is, if I can." The cousins now relinquished their holds, and Ned drew out a drawer of the dresser, and requested they would look into it. Here," said he, "you will find the fragments of your feast of fisty-cuffs: perhaps, among the bits of lace, linen, broad-cloth, frogs and buttons, which I carefully swept up last night, after I had put you both to bed, you may find your teeth; if not, I know nothing about them:-send for a constable, and search me, if you like." At this offer, the cousins turned to each other and were going to smile; but immediately they were face to face, they stared in so rueful a manner, that Creese was amazingly amused. It was the first time, since Ralph had come down stairs, that the cousins had closely inspected each other's countenances, which might, with propriety enough, as the landlord said, be called " maps of mischance." "But it's all your own doings," quoth he; "the credit and honour belong to nobody but yourselves;-I must say you're both downright dapsters at disfiguration." "But how were it, d'ye say, landlord?" asked Ralph. Ay, truly, how happened it all, according to your story?"said Harry. "Why, gentlemen," replied Creese, "after I found you were going to drink more than I could well bear,-when it was high tide almost in my head, and my frail wits began to rock to and fro, pitching me about, when I moved, like a barge in a hurricane,—I very wisely anchored in the bar, and attended, as well as I could, to my business: a nap or two between whiles, as I tended my customers, and one cool pipe, brought me round, and it was calm sailing with me again.-All this time you were getting louder and louder; at last, the short gentleman, my worthy friend, Mr. Harry, persuaded you, Mr. Ralph, to try a friendly back-fall with him. There wasn't much harm in that;-though, I promise you, I tried to prevent it, but couldn't. So I cleared away the crockery, and stood by, as 'twas my duty, to see fair. Harry was, clearly, in my mind, the best wrestler; but, somehow, Ralph got the in-lock, and laid him upon the planchin, flat as a pancake." "Did I, by jingo?" eagerly exclaimed Ralph. "No, it's all his lies;—it couldn't be !" quoth Harry; looking very incredulous and displeased. "I have said it, and I'll stand to it;"-continued Ned; "and when you got up, as you did, with my help, you went over to Ralph, patted him on the back, and, said you,—'Well done, cousin, I didn't think it was in thee!' You added, with an oath, it was the best and fairest fall you had seen for years past;-that it nearly drove the breath out of your body; and then you patted him on the back again. After this, you both sat down, talked, sung, and,-by-and-bye,-began to broach something about back-sword." "Likely enough, an't it, Harry?" said Ralph. "I don't believe a word o' the story," replied Harry ;—“ but I'll hear it out." "I did not ask you to believe it," said Creese; "but there's special evidence on your head, as well as on your cousin's, that you played at it, long and lustily." "And which won ?" enquired Ralph. "Both of you lost blood, as well as temper, at last," replied Creese; "but, I remember, Harry gave you the first broken head.” "Never!" replied Ralph," it never lay in his shoes: he may be as good a wrestler, or better; but scores of men, that my cousin Harry have often and often given his head to, never could touch me." "Well! be that as it may," said the landlord, "he certainly had you last night, Ralph, or I'm out of my senses. Why, I remember it as well as if it was but a minute ago:-you broke open the glass buffet, in which the two sticks my uncle and father won the grand match with-Wilts against Somerset-was stuck up, among the china, with silver mountings, and decorated with green ribbons, cut out like laurel-leaves;-and you said they were the best sticks you ever broke a head with: and when Harry cut your ear, and I cried out 'A bout, a bout!' and put the poker between you, you shook Harry's hand, and said you admired him, for he had done what no man ever had attempted—namely—hit you under your best guard." "Ha! ha! ha!" shouted Harry. "Odds buttons! Ralph, but there seems to be some truth in this though, for your ear is cut up, sure enough then, clean as a whistle; it must ha' been done as Creese says." Ralph put his hand up to his ear, and, like Lord Burleigh, in The Critic, shook his head and said nothing. "All this," continued the landlord, "was friendly and civil: you then ordered a double quantity of brandy in the brewage—if you don't believe me, look in the bill,—and, in about half an hour, I found you fighting in downright earnest, and in all manner of ways;-kicking, cudgelling, wrestling, pulling, punching, tearing one another to pieces very ungentlemanly, and so forth, and clearly bent on destruction. You had cracked the looking-glass, broke the table, 'shod the liquor, and tore the porringer,' as the man said; or, in other words, shed the cider and brandy, and broke the bowl; all which you'll find I've made correct memorandums of in the bill. Then I called in the blacksmiths, from next door, our ostler, and three waggoners who were drinking outside ;—we all pitched into you, and, at last, got you asunder: but not before the mischief you see and feel was done; and to shew what minds you were in, when we pulled you, by main force, apart, each of you carried away his hold, like a couple of bull-dogs :-Harry brought off a piece of Ralph's sleeve and his shoulder-belt, and Ralph the forepart of Harry's coat, full two-thirds of his waistcoat, and a pattern of his linen. We then contrived to get you to bed-as you'll see in the bill; and-and-" "Aye,—and here we be," added Ralph; "nice objects for a wife and family to look at!" "Thou'rt quite a scarecrow, cousin Ralph," said Harry. “Do get him a glass, and let him look at himself, landlord," said Ralph. "I'm sorry for thee, Harry;—it's my belief 't'ant exactly as the landlord says; but we can't belie the story he has told us, so where's the use of disputing? The question is,—what shall we do?" |