A TRIPOS,

Or Speech, delivered at a Commencement in the University of Dublin,* (held there, July 11, 1688,) by Mr John Jones, then A. B. afterwards D. D.

ACT I.

Occidit miseros crambe repetita magistros.

Your probabo, probabo, is as dull as a Trinity Sunday

sermon.

Dii boni, quas novas aves hic video! Tot habemus barbaros ignoramos et foppos: tot doctores indoctos, rummos academicos, cives aldermanicos, rusticos personas, and so many pretty, pretty little rogues, that, should I speak Latin, I should banter ten parts of the company. Wherefore, for the sake of the ladies, bullies, the Rums, and Fellow-commoners, I'll order it, (as I know you all would have it,) that the English be ten to one against the Roman.

Lenite clamorem, till I shew these gentlemen the civilities of the house.

Non temere decet quidem ut salutemus libenter. Salvete igitur quotquot reverenda vel ridicula, docta vel rummosa capita; sed imprimis salvus sit Doctor Acton, (ut inquit Erasmus) Athleticè: superannuati omnes salvi sint pancraticè et, si qui adsint cornuti, quod verisimile est, valeant tauricè; deinde si quis adsit medicus immedicabilis, † qui skulkat subter id manticæ, quod in tergo est, docto in cujus capite Esculapius viget, sed in ossibus dominatus astronomiæ et effæto corpore totus inhæret Galenus et Hippocrates, si possibile sit, inquam, valeat ille; sed præ cæteris clericum istum clericorum salvere jubeo, who preaches in an oven,

The Provost at that time was Dr Robert Huntington. The Senior Fellows were, Dr Richard Acton, Vice-provost, George Brown, Dive Downes, John Griffith, John Barton, St George Ashe, and Benedict Scroggs,

The Junior Fellows were, Patrickson, Reader, Thewks, Smith, Hall, Lloyd, Sayers, Alled, and Hassett.-BARRETT.

The Reverend Michael Hewetson, whose sister's testament is afterwards given. He was admitted into college 18th July 1660, took a master of art's degree 27th February 1681-2, and, in 1684, was tenant to the college for the lands of Coolremen in the county of Donegal.—Dr Barrett,

and is of the same name and heraldry with an eminent blind cobler, who, when the kingdom was all out of the stitches, vampt himself a colonel; if his gravity be here, I salute him for seven several reasons.

First, Because he drinks and goes to the boghouse for fourteen reasons; but cannot give one for selling his organs to a mass-house.

Secondly, Because (according to his own phrase,) he preaches by the London standard, which never lessened, as I know of, but thrice; and then Stillingfleet and Tillotson themselves were not one jot better or worse, unless we say with the poet,

Sed malè dum recitas, incipit esse tuus.

Thirdly, Because when he came from England, he wore as much silk for a doublet as made his sister (joy be with her, as he said,) a manteau and petticoat. Quere, whether then Mr Parson wore the breastplate of righteousness? It is plain he did, and that his intentions were honourable, for the next Sunday following he preached,-Give Cæsar his due. It is ill-nature then in Bunbury's wife's husband to revile him for this; and, to speak in the phrase of a pretty little Senior Fellow, There's no Jew but would be more gentle.

Fourthly, Because he consecrates as much water at once, as makes Christians for a month.

Fifthly, Because he invited to his sister's funeral none but (as he was pleased to call them) the cream of the parish; viz. those that kept coaches. Now himself upon himself: his conclusion in such a case will be thus, That all the curds and cream in the parish tour it in coaches, while the poor skim-milk and bonny-clobber trudge a-foot. I wonder, Mr Leeson, with his cream of Theology, is not his parishioner. There is a mess for the Freshmen. But,

Sixthly, Because he lives by the Canon, and yet corrects the Rubrick.

Seventhly and lastly, Because he made himself a large and ponderous night-cap, after the exact model of his church; and this he did for two reasons:

First, To shew that no noddle in the diocese could bear such a weight as his. Secondly, to cure a distemper, which,

to the grief of his congregation, has troubled his brains these many years. Sed ad rem.

Salvus sit ille inter socios juniores cum pede brevi et naso rhinocerotis, who by his own sermon of angles and triangles has thrice shown his smattering in the mathematics. Valeat etiam Doctor ille Civilis, sed Polygamista, edentulus sed Polyglottus;* qui adeo plenus est literis, ut in ipsa facie omnes linguarum characteres graphicè scribuntur: frustra igitur, reverende doctor, susurrant invidi, te jam senio confectum orientales linguas non callere, cum revera index tui animi sit vultus. Sed etiam atque etiam salvus sit purpura. tus nos grandiloquus, cui dedit ore rotundo Musa loqui: Quem quoad faciem et linguam vocamus Ulyssem: Non formosus erat, sed erat facundus Ulysses.No Tartar is more fair, no Athenian better hung, Sol varnish'd o'er his face, and Mercury his tongue.— quoad altitudinem salutemus Ajacem, quod gracilitatem Tithonem, quoad caput versatile Priamum paralyticum, quod pedes Achillem, quoad crura denique, Colossum.

Sponte suâ properant, labor est inhibere volentes.
Anglicè,

With aukward gown tuck'd up, he scow'rs along,
And at each stride measures a parasang.

Inter cæteros, peculiari dignus est salutatione bellus quidam homunculus; I do not mean Mr Brady's pretty little man, but the neat, spruce, dapper, finical, nice, spark, who'd rather sing and dance in his chamber, than bowl without an umbrella: who constantly carries as many patchboxes in his pocket, as would beautify our beadle; as many several sorts of snuff, as would furnish Major-General Maccarty and Colonel Dempsy for a year, and as much essence as would perfume Sir Stampe's chamber; as many comfits as would sweeten Mr Travers's hacksters; together with as many jewels as would make Sir Jephson a gentleman, or buy Mr Delauny a coat of arms. Besides; he has such a venera

Conjectured by Dr Barrett to be Sir Dudley Loftus, eminent for his skill in Oriental languages. See Ware's Writers of Ireland, p. 254

tion for the fair sex, that he would not presume to visit a lady in a shirt he had worn a day, but by way of apology sent her this billet-doux:

I'gad, Madam, I beg your pardon ten thousand times for not paying my devoir to your ladyship to-day: of which transcendent happiness nothing under the planets could have deprived me, but the damned disappointment of my sempstress; by whose neglect I have at present but seven day-shirts by which means I am unprovided with linen, and so rendered utterly incapable of attending your ladyship now: but as soon as my dress is agreeable, I fly with the wings of duty and obedience to implore your ladyship's mercy for my unfortunate absence, and will ever snatch at all opportunities of manifesting myself,

Madam, your Ladyship's most humble and devoted
Slave, to the stars or centre,

TOMMY WEAVER.*

O curas hominum, O quantum est in rebus inane. Ipsissimum hunc homuncionem hoc in epigrammate notat Martialis:

Cotile, bellus homo es, &c.

Anglicè,

There's scarce a well-drest coxcomb, but will own
Tommy's the prettiest spark about the town.

This all the tribe of fringe and feather say,

Because he nicely moves by Algebra;

And does with method tie his cravat string,

Takes snuff with art, and shows his sparkling ring :

Can set his foretop, manage well his wig,

Can act a proverb, and can dance a jig;

Does sing French songs; can rhyme, and furnish chat
To inquisitive Miss, from Letter or Gazette;

Knows the affair of cockpit and the race,
And who were conquerors at either place;
If Crop or Trotter took the prize away,
And who a fortune gain'd the other day.

He swings fring'd gloves, sees plays, writes billet-doux,
Fill'd up with beauty, love, oaths, lies, and vows;

+ Thomas Weaver was of a family settled in the King's or Queen's county. He to have been admitted into the college, 9th November 1678; and appears on February 25, 1688, had the grace for A. M. and his exercises were dis pensed with.-Dr BARRETT,

Does scent his eyebrows, perfum'd comfits eat,
And smells like phoenix' nest, or civet cat;
Does shave with pumice stone, compose his face,
And rolls his stockings by a looking-glass.
Accomplish'd thus, Tommy, you'll grant, I hope,
A pretty spark at least, if not a fop.

Finitâ salutatione, (more Erasmiano) paucis vobiscum confabulandum est. Sed uti solet graculus ille Maddison, mihi cordi est totum occupare sermonem; I'll take all the chat to myself.

In familiaritatem me nuper exceperunt virtuosi, (hominum genus in minimis non minimùm laborans) et mihi quædam naturæ non vulgaria nota fecere; quæ humanitatis publicæ salutis gratiâ, in lucem jam profero.

ergo, et First, Mr Allen's infallible cure for the mawwornis :

B. poti fortis ab hatcho quartum unum; rowlorum, sive brownorum sive alborum, ad minimum tres; his addatur butyri culinaris quantum valet duos denarios, cum bunsho radishorum vel watergrassi; deinde stomachi equini quantum sufficit. Hæc omnia horâ octavâ antemeridianâ quotidie devorentur, et certè vix ad prandium usque latrabit stomachus.

Secondly, Dr Molyneux* his rare discovery of part of the meat's sudden digestion and corruption in the mouth, thus:

B. pinquis caponis leggum unum et wingum, tosti shouldromotontis et carnis bovinæ unà slizum unum vel alterum; anseris juvenilis cum sauso goosberiano modicum quid; panis domestici lunsheum moderatum; vini rubri et poti minoris pocula bina vel tria; et, quod instar omnium est, fœtidissimi spiritus quantum sufficit: compressu oris fiat bolus, et proculdubio inter hiatus dentium et super gingivas tam statim fœtida fiat concoctio; quod primus omnium mortalium, si modo credible sit, ingenuus notavit ille medicus.

Thirdly, The College Butler's admirable invention of selling a mixture of ale and mum for ninepence per quart: and

* Dr Thomas Molyneux, the younger brother of William Molyneux, the correspondent of Mr Locke, commenced M. D. July 1687. See an account of him in the BIOGR, BRITAN. Vol. V. p. 3133, note A. edit. 1760.-Dr BAR

RETT.