CHAP. III.

Reflections upon the Lord's Goodness to himand an Account of his Return to England, 1763.

WHEN I look back upon these things, and view the changing scenes which took place in so short a period, and how wonderfully the Lord supported me under my afflictions, surrounded me when in danger, succoured me in times of temptation, and at last delivered me from the very jaws of death, I cannot help breaking forth with the royal Psalmist, saying, "I will sing of mercy and judgment; unto thee, O Lord, will I sing. O Lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee! Thou hast heard my prayer; thou hast inclined thine ear to my cry; when my soul has been full of trouble, and my life drawing nigh unto the grave. I will therefore sing of the mercies of the Lord for ever, with my mouth will I make known his salvation unto all generations."

Should any inquire what influence these things then had upon my mind, and how far the goodness of God operated in leading me to repentance

for past transgressions, and regulating my conduct in future; I answer, that notwithstanding I still felt and discovered in many instances the depravity of my heart, and vicious inclination, being exposed to many temptations suited to my propensities; yet, blessed be God, I could not sin with greediness, as I once did, and as many of my fellow-soldiers continued to do. Nor could I sit down unconcerned, as though all things were by chance; nor could I engage with my comrades in their amusements and follies. The name of the Lord was dear to me. When I heard that sacred name blasphemed, which was frequently the case, I could not help expressing my abhorrence, at least with a sigh. If at any time I was compelled to join in any thing improper, so far from enjoying any pleasure therein, it was like a thorn in my side. It is true my poor carnal heart, like tinder, was ready to catch the fire at every stroke. The Canaanites seemed determined to dwell in the land; but, through rich mercy, they were not suffered to prevail. O! amazing goodness! when my ears have been offended with vollies of oaths to the grief of my soul, my poor heart has been drawn forth in secret prayer, and, as Paul expresses it, "in groanings which cannot be uttered." When we

were suddenly alarmed by a motion of the enemy, particularly in the night, O what confusion, what expressions did it often occasion among them, though they knew not but the next hour they might be cut off and sent into eternity! But who hath made the difference? who can help admiring the distinguishing goodness of God! O Lord! what didst thou see in me thus to influence my heart? O, let this peculiar mark of thy kindness ever rest upon my mind! Cause it to be productive of praise to thy name. Let it influence the whole of my future conduct, that I may testify my sincere attachment to Him, who has done such great things for me. Let my future life be a life of dependence upon Thee, a life of submis sion to thy will, that in all things I may glorify thy name, and live to thy praise.

I do not intend entering particularly into every circumstance which attended the army while we continued in Germany, which was nearly three years. We had sometimes a form of prayer read amongst us by the chaplain of the regiment, when suitable to that gentleman, or the commanding officer; but this happened but very seldom, and when it did, the manner in which it was attended to, will easily discover the principles upon which they acted; one in

stance of which I cannot help recording. We were at this time in quarters in some of the Protestant states, where we were permitted to assemble for divine worship in their chapel, on Lord's day morning. Accordingly, at the time appointed, the drums beat the church call, and the troops assembled together. I can truly say, I anticipated the pleasure of going to hear a sermon. But, alas! to my shame and confusion, when we assembled and marched to the place of worship, no chaplain attended for a considerable time. At length he came dressed in his robes, which though long were not suffi cient to hide his shame. He ascended the pulpit like a stupid drone, having been up all night drinking and gambling, as was his usual practice, so that it was with difficulty they could get him to come at all. After sitting gaping, and rubbing his eyes for a while, he stood up to begin the service; but having occasion for his handkerchief, in pulling it out of his pocket, a pack of loose cards, he had with him, came out, and fell down about the pulpit stairs, and on the people's heads. This set the officers and soldiers laughing; but the country people, who were more serious, and who attended there to see our manner of worship, could not help expressing

their detestation, by exclaiming one to another, "O, what a disgrace! What a profanation of the sacred worship of God! What a wolf in sheep's clothing!" How remarkably did our Lord's declaration appear: By their fruits ye shall know them! Thus the blind lead the blind, until both fall into the ditch.

Here I saw something of that amazing difference, which there is between the voice of a real shepherd, and a stranger to Christ; for though I could only discern things in a confused manner, or like the man whose eyes the Lord had opened to see men as trees walking, I could sensibly feel the need of some other kind of teaching. My soul was at this time hungering after the bread of life. Like David in the wilderness, my soul thirsted for God, for the living God; as the hart panteth after the water-brooks, so did my soul pant after the consolations of the Gospel; but, alas! there were none to be found here. I looked around me, but there was no comforter. My tears were my meat day and night; whilst one or another about me were ready to say reproach fully, Where is now thy God? I remembered with what reluctance I used to comply with the request of my dear parents, how I watched every opportunity to